Dear Love

If I could forget, then I could let you go.
But I remember each detail of each day we shared.
I remember your words as if I recorded them,
to listen to them every night before I fall asleep.

On my mind I can see you standing there,
at the trainstation, at our meetingpoint.
I remember the clothes you wore,
and the ones I wore and how you liked them.

I can recall the smell of your hair
and the warmth of your hug
and the colour of your eyes
and the sound of your voice.

If I could forget, then I could let you go.
But I hold the memories like a treasure.
And with them I hold the pain.

What if we never met again?
Just in case I would be happy
to remember all the details.

Let’s ruin our lives together

It’s bad that I cling to you, altough I’m taken.
It’s bad that you attract me so strongly.
It’s bad that I told you to leave me alone.
And the worst is that I don’t know what I regret most.

It’s bad when you write back
and it’s bad when you don’t.
It’s bad that I hold you prison in my heart.
And the worst is that I’ve let you go.

It’s bad that you haunt me in my dreams.
It’s bad to wake up next to him then.
It’s bad that I can’t stop to want you and love you.
And the worst is that I know we could never be happy.

Lonely like a satellite

I’m watching people pass.
I can hear them talking.
I can smell their breaths.
But I can’t reach out for them.

We’re looking up at the same sky,the same stars.
We feel the same cold this night.

But I’m lonely.
I feel like caught behind a pane.
I can’t break the glass.
They don’t apologise when they jostle me.
I’m invisible. The world forgot me.

That’s part of my illness. Feeling disconnected between all the people that love you.
They can’t help you. You feel worthless. Like all your friends must descend themselves to be with you.
I want out of this!

I’m beyond repair

Each of your words is like a revelation.
Never seen such beauty like yours.
You’ve been so bad to me lately,
but I couldn’t resist you.

I don’t think you noticed me,
I’m a gray ghost with rosy scars.
I watch you from afar and all I say is “Hey”.
You confuse me so much.
I doubt all I believed in.
I thought I was save.

I want to hold you and protect you.
I’m afraid you could break.
You’re not mine but I want to keep you.
Don’t want you to leave. Please, don’t go home.
That night is young, we still have time.

She’s still my mum

We had so many discussions and argument (worst one just a few hours ago).
My bpd ruined our good relationship.
Yesterday I took her to the city (she can’t dirve).
She had good mood and me too, so everything was fine with us.
Two girls (aboub 17 years old, I think) laughed about her, when we passed them.
I saw them grin and whisper. They made fun of her.
I couldn’t help myself. She’s still my mum.
She doesn’t deserve this.

My mum is disabled.
She has polio and can’t walk properly.
She hobbles and limps and the shoes she must wear are clumsy.

At first I just gave them an angry look but then I turned to them.
I feel embarrassing afterwards but I asked them what was so funny.
When they said nothing I became so angry.
I told them that they know nothing about a life within the borders of an illness.
Nothing about the limitations and problems she has.
That they could be happy to look perfectly good.
But it was nature that gave them their appearance and it’s just luck which chances one has.

I am so ashamed now but I know it was right.

Like living with a mute

I always tell you that I love you,
’cause I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
Sad but true.
He hates talking. Can’t talk on command.
Talking is a annoying obligation to him.
Why should we say anything, if we could kiss aswell?
Oh, fuck it!

“What about the things that remain unsaid?”
“Dunno what you’re talkig about.”
“So, there’s really nothing on your mind all the time? Nothing you want to say, but you can’t?”
“No. Everything’s fine.”

Somehow, I’m living with a mute.
A man made of stone.
I can’t look into his mind, can’t penetrate his thoughts.
He’s a secret ever since we’re together.
I know so little and I want to know him by heart.

There’s silence again.
I come closer.
There’s so much bothering me.
Want to shake him and ask him what he thinks, feels, wants.
But once again all I can say is: I love you.
Just breaking the silence and breaking my heart.

Beautifully Broken

I saw him when he just passed me.
He was talking but then our eyes met.
They were as blue as the summer sky,but I was thinking of an ocean to drown myself in instead.

It was maybe just a second, or two.
But it felt like time was frozen.
Only a shallow wind stroke my hair,
no sounds disturbed, no one spoke a single word.

I was shivering because his eyes radiated such cold.
His body was covered with scars – like mine.
They tell his story, the story of a broken young man.
And in all his hurt and destruction he was beautiful.

The sight took my breath away.
The shimmer in his eyes, his moves –
He was so beautiful.

His eyes said that he had no plans for the future.
And his body said that he didn’t care either.
And every time he blinked his eyes looked prettier
And a little more sad.